In the “Spirit of the Season” it occurred to me while playing with my kitten this morning, that perhaps we should bring a little candor to the world of Nursery Rhymes. I was an early “Santa Cynic” so… you can see how that has evolved over the years… Not all of these are “child friendly” adaptations… You’ve been warned! LOL…

Rudolf

Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very runny nose
And if you ever saw him
You might guess he had a cold…
All of the other reindeer
Used to stomp and chomp and bray
But if they knew poor Rudolf
Had a cold they didn’t say…

Fuzzy Wuzzy

Did Fuzzy Wuzzy have no hair,
If Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear?
No Fuzzy Wuzzy WAS a bear!
So Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t bare…

Rock A Bye Baby

Wave byebye to baby in the tree top
Cuz when the wind blows, that cradle will drop
And when When the bough breaks… it surely will fall
On top of that baby
Cradle and all….

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a shelf
The cook made an omelet and then rang the bell
All the king’s horses brought all the kings men
Who had Humpty for breakfast, and then ate the hen!

Little Bo-peep

Little Bo-peep…She was a creep…
She gathered her sheep to shave them
She sheered them indeed, but made them bleed
When of their tails she freed them…

The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe

There was a young woman in Project Block D
With so many children — Social Service did see
So they blamed her for drugs
And sent over some thugs
Then they sold all those kids for a fee

Three Blind Mice

Three lab mice. Three lab mice. See how they run. See how they run. They run for their lives from the scientist, Who cut out their eyes for experiments. Have you seen such a horror on Sesame Street, as three lab mice?

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater

Peter Peter goodwife beater
Had a wife but couldn’t eat ‘er
So he hooked her into some student loans
And sent her to school while he stayed home.

I would love to hear from readers more suggestions for nursery rhymes modified for “truthfulness” or realism.